In my life passive-aggressive behaviour

In my life I look back, and I know that I was bullied at school, and for decades I went over the situation like a broken record over and over again. I had visited a psychologist at Miranda back in 1997 to try to find an answer to this behaviour, but was unsuccessful.

Then in 2011 I studied for a Certificate II in Retail at St George TAFE for the first semester, and this is when I found out about passive-aggressive behaviour. In my retail course I had studied this behaviour, but at the time I couldn't connect this behaviour to the situations that had happened in my life. I did finish this course.

Some people believe that everyone has this behaviour as part of their personality, but I believe only a small group of people have this as a mental disorder. People who are passive-aggressive believe that everyone can behave like this, but the reality is they don't.

Most people are assertive.

So passive-aggressive people show no concern, and get other people to act on their behalf for themselves, and it's always someone else's fault. They like to blame others, and make other people believe that their actions are responsible.

People who are passive-aggressive show little empathy towards others, and their feelings are shallow towards other people's concerns.

People that have this as part of their personality are really psychopaths.

I believe in their minds it's always about themselves, and it's never about you. To be in a long-term friendship with someone that has this as a mental disorder is really impossible, because in their minds you're unworthy of consideration.

So I have three examples about this behaviour and Dominic, Lucas and Peter were the same age as me. The first two examples are about St Joseph's Primary School, Como and the third example is about St Patrick's College, Sutherland.

Example 1

In 1986 when I was nine years old and in year 4. Lucas and Dominic decided to chase me up the stairs, and around the back of the classroom block in an attempt to punch me. I shouted at them to f**k off, and the teacher on duty heard me.

Instead of the teacher approaching and telling me what I had said was offensive, and finding a reason why I had said that. She got another teacher to act on her behalf, and got the teacher to wash my mouth out with soapy water, and then to spit it out into the sink in the staff room.

So the teacher that heard me say f**k off was passive by showing no concern to my situation. What I had to say didn't matter, and the other female teacher that did act on her behalf was aggressive by forcing me to drink the soapy water.

Example 2

In 1988 when I was 11 years old Peter would visit my house and take me up to the bus stop in the morning before school. I was in the lounge room when my mum said something to me that had made me angry, so I gave the middle finger behind her back.

Peter called out to my mum what I had done, and I believed she would run out of the kitchen to aggressively hit me with a wooden spoon, which she didn't do because she's smarter than that. So Peter was behaving passively to think that my mum would aggressively hit me, because of the offensive hand gesture.

What Peter should have done was to directly say to me that what I had done was offensive, and not to do that again in front of him. This would have been a better way to communicate, because I would have understood how he felt, and I could have apologised. Again, with this situation there was no concern about what I had to say. The next example is when passive-aggressive behaviour can spiral out of control, and become deadly.

Example 3

Late in 1989 I told both Lucas and Peter to leave my house and not to come over anymore, because they were becoming better friends with each other. I wasn't jealous of them, but only believed that their behaviour was incompatible to mine. At the time I was 12 years old, and I was in year 7.

I thought Peter would have asked me the reasons why I had done this, but what he did instead was to have nothing to do with me anymore. He made new friends, and then I went up to him one day in 1990 told him that he was a snob, and that was the end of my friendship.

The abnormal thing about this situation was Lucas had nothing to do with Peter anymore either?

On the other hand, Lucas wasn't in time to leave me so abruptly. I was still following him when I would go to school, and there was an incident when Lucas and Dominic tied my bag to the school fence with myself attached. And they believed that this was the right thing to do, but it wasn't. Because when decided that you don't want to have anything to do with someone you just tell them directly that the friendship is over, but Lucas just said nothing.

And then he turned violent.

He threw a punch at my stomach, and told me to stop following him as we were to go into class. I bent over, and I was in a lot of pain. There was also another incident when my head hit the wall in front of the classroom when another student attacked me, because we were having an argument. And it was after this incident that I really didn't want to talk, or have anything to do with Lucas anymore.

But that still wasn't the end of it.

In 1991 as I was nearly home from school Dominic and Lucas were walking in front of me when they decided to hide behind the white van that was parked near the corner of the intersection. And then they did emerge and then chase me, but unfortunately for them their actions backfired.

My mum went out of the house to get the mail, and saw what they were up to. And they backed off, and then she called the school up to tell the assistant principal.

They were told off and there were tears from Dominic, but Lucas showed no emotion at all.

Lucas then decided out of spite after being told off to get drunk one evening with Dominic, and then he decided to have group sex with the two girlfriends who I knew that lived next door to me. From the beginning of that year he was acting out that he was in love with my next-door neighbour just to annoy me, and he even wrote in concrete under the chairs at the Como station that he loved her.

In 1992–93 after Mr Burrows the assistant principal told both of them off there were other teachers and students passively talking about this, and I just felt that some English teachers were more on their side than mine. So I had other teachers and students at high school talking behind my back about matters that were none of their concern.

Because of this idle talk Ms Johnson the English teacher stormed onto the playground, and slapped my face in front of other students with the Catholic newsletter, and told me "I'm sick of you being a rebel."

I was stunned because I didn't know her, and it was sad that she was behaving aggressively towards me. She should have just given me the newsletter, so my parents could read it instead of being disrespectful.

In 1994 I finished my Higher School Certificate at St Patrick's College.

Anyway, 10 years later after I finished school there was a reunion held in 2004, and I found out that Lucas was married and that he was a local public school teacher. I told Lucas to shake my hand as a gesture that you don't punch people, and that you shake their hand instead as a farewell.

The reason why I wrote this post is to give people a better understanding of their behaviour. So people are aware of their actions, and that to gain respect from people you need to be more assertive and not passive-aggressive.

In conclusion (continues in the post "Roxanne & Ms Fitzpatrick")

The reason why Lucas had tried to punch me with Dominic when I was at St Joseph's Primary School was because I made a bet of $2 at the Henry Lawson Reserve that he wouldn't be able to hit the golf ball to hit the power pole, which he had been practising for a long time to do. So he won the bet and then I gave him $2, but his mum told him that he had an unfair advantage because he was practising for a long time to do that, so he gave the money back to me.

He was angry, and later in 1990 when I was at St Patrick's College as we were to go into the classroom he would punch me because of this.

Also, when I was at primary school I told Lucas and Dominic to f**k off, so later when I was at high school he then decided to have group sex with the two girlfriends who I knew that lived next door to me after he was told off by the assistant principal. So not only was I punished unfairly by two female primary school teachers, but also punished by that psychopathic lunatic as well!

Then early in 1993, I believe Peter was frustrated because my mum didn't hit me when I gave the middle finger behind her back as he was to take me up to the bus stop to go to primary school. So he manipulated others to get Ms Johnson to slap my face with the newsletter and to call me a rebel, because I went up to him one day in 1990 and told him that he was a snob at high school.

Additionally, I believe Lucas manipulated those two female primary school teachers to act on his behalf, and then later when he was at high school gave Peter the idea to indirectly give Ms Johnson money. She could have just flirted with him, and by using her to act on his behalf, and then giving her money. Lucas was able to see if he could have sex with her, and if she wasn't interested he could still be anonymous. He did this manipulation in 2009 with Roxanne, but this time he just told another friend to act on his behalf to do this.

Summary

The author recounts experiences with passive-aggressive behaviour, particularly from Lucas and Peter, highlighting their lack of empathy and tendency to blame others. The author believes this behaviour, often dismissed as normal, is a mental disorder that can be dangerous and manipulative. The author emphasises the importance of assertiveness and understanding in dealing with such behaviour.